Katamari Damacy is one of those video games so creative it's a wonder it even exists. After all, who would have thought a game about rolling random objects into a ball would gain such a vast audience?
Yet, the more I think about it, a tacky ball that picks up virtually anything would be super convenient in real life! Sometimes, I ponder what kind of Katamaris I would make, if only they were possible.
5 Doggy Katamari
I'm a dog lover. I've lived with dogs for the majority of my life. Let me specify: I lived with big dogs. I'm talkin' big, fluffy, cuddly, slobbery dogs — two Great Pyrenees and one New Foundland, to be exact.
Gosh, I love these gentle giants. One of my favorite things to do is invite my Great Pyr, Titan, onto the couch with me to watch TV. Yes, he takes up most of the couch. But that's okay because I get to snuggle with him like a giant sentient pillow. (I don't care if he's six years old, he's still my baby!)
Have you ever seen the YouTube video with the woman on eHarmony who cries over cats? She and I are similar. I want to hug every dog, even though I know that's crazy. But, sometimes, I think about how many big shmoopaloos don't have a home and how I should have them. AND I JUST WANT TO ROLL AROUND WITH THEM AND — UGH, I'M SORRY, I CAN'T, I CAN'T!
Anyway, if there were a way I could safely roll a bundle of fluffers into a sticky cosmic ball, I would. But I promise I'll be safe about it! I don't want my doggies trapped in a ball and suffocating. All I want is for them to roll around with me on a fun ball! And we can all cuddle, and I'll feed them biscuits and play with them and — DON'T ASK ME ABOUT THE LOGISTICS, DAMN IT! It's what I want.
4 Cheese Katamari
If you've ever made a cheeseball, you know it takes a little work. For instance, I make a killer pineapple pecan cheeseball. (Don't believe me? Ask someone who's been to my parties.) Unfortunately, the process takes a couple of hours between mixing, cutting, molding, and setting.
So I must exclaim, as any TV infomercial character would, "There's gotta be a better way!"
Could that better way be a Katamari? I guess it depends on how sanitary it is. After all, I don't want to pick up half-eaten cheese or the leftovers of an Olive Garden grader. But if someone rolled me a Katamari of fresh, gourmet cheese, I would snack on it for dayyyyys.
I lied. First, I would fry the cheesy Katamari. Then I would eat it for days (and possibly die of cardiac arrest).
3 Fascist Katamari (Okay, Let Me Explain!)
I know what you're thinking: why would I ever wish to assemble a Katamari of fascists? But, I assure you, it's not out of adoration. On the contrary — I have a bigger plan.
Remember that every Katamari gets hurled into space and made into a star. So let's say we rolled up corrupt leaders like Kim Jong-un, Vladamir Putin, and that orange knucklehead and hurled them into space!
Can you imagine how many international crises we could resolve with one sticky ball? (Eww, I really must stop saying "sticky balls".)
Okay, it's probably not the best diplomacy. But I'm not a secretary of state, and I never claimed to be.
2 Key Katamari
I'm a massive proponent of PWK, aka "Phone, Wallet, Keys". But, unfortunately, my obsession with not losing things has gotten out of hand. For instance, I once felt around my backpack while driving my car from a train station. Yet, I double triple-checked my belongings before deboarding the train! There was no reason to feel up my bag and risk a major accident!
I need a method that ensures that I will never lose essential items. Bluetooth key finders, like the tile, are helpful. But then, what happens if I lose the tile? Now, do I buy another tile for my lost tile? And does that backup tile require a backup tile of its own? Ugh, I can't go further down this rabbit hole.
You know what? Screw it! I'm taking my keys and rolling them on — you guessed it — a Big. Sticky. Ball. (Oh, god, now it sounds even worse.) They may stay stuck to the Katamari, but at least I'll never lose them again... I hope.
1 Cleaning Product Katamari
Sometimes I wonder if a Katamari would make a good cleaning product. Considering its adhesive nature, a Katamari is practically a rolling lint remover. But what if I could take that cleaning potential to the next level?
I want to roll up a ball of sponges, soap, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers, and other products that don't cause toxic fumes when combined. Then, the next time I have to clean my bathroom, I can push the ball around the tile floors, picking up dirt and grime.
Okay, this sounded smart in my head, but now I think I'm pitching a giant sponge. Maybe I'll wear a green jumpsuit with an antenna cap and hum "Katamari On The Rocks" while I clean. Then, at least, cleaning will be more fun.